Scared

Words, full of hints and promises and innuendo. She liked the words as much as anything; the mental energy they expended over drinks and shared glances while they discussed everything under the sun. The words had depth and fire and life and she felt her pulse race beneath her skin, regardless of the topic.


Then one night, after dinner and drinks and countless words, he kissed her. Turned her around, his arm around her waist, and kissed her, his facial hair tickling her lip. She kept her eyes lowered, catching her breath, but her mouth instinctively sucked his lower lip into hers, her tongue playing carefully with his. She almost forgot to exhale.

*****

The words still captivate her, but there is a point where the words taper off, and a glance and a smile tell her he wants more, and she finishes the drink and follows, his arm wrapped around her waist. This night, especially, she needed him, and he sensed it. His kisses were insistent, but his words gentle, murmuring against her neck, the vibrations giving her goosebumps and making her groin ache in that familiar way. He whispers “baby,” says her name over and over, tells her how beautiful she is and how good she feels. And when he pulls her on top of him, and slides inside of her, she stares down at his eyes, the gold flecks illuminated by the bedside lamp, watching him smile when her orgasm overtakes her. Again, and again, until spent, she collapses beside him, warm and covered in one fluid or another, and he whispers to her more while he strokes her hip.

*****

She’s not sure how many times they repeat the routine. She lays beside him again, the air cool against her damp thighs, but this time the words are serious. Knowing her heart is lighter, he opens up, whispering against her neck again. The bravado of a man whose days are measured dissolves, and he murmurs into her shoulder “I’m scared.” He feels warm and alive, but in the silence, she can hear the clock ticking, and she wraps her naked body around him tighter, her cheek against his face, her hand stroking his head. He holds her tight, hands skimming over her sides, and she can feel the moisture at the corner of his eye. Her heart breaks, for an instant, then heals over quickly before he sees. “Stay here with me tonight,” he whispers, which breaks her heart all over again.  Makes her want to say "I love you," even if the words might break her heart more than it already is.

She kisses him, smiles at him, but catches the clock out of the corner of her eye. Her time is measured too, though not in the same way, and she steels herself for the hard part of leaving, even if it is only temporarily. The goodbyes are long, and the words sweet, though it still hurts a little when the door closes behind her.

*****

She holds the tears back until she’s alone in the car. Not sure whether driven by her own fears, or his, she leans her head against the steering wheel, as a sob racks her body, and pleads to whoever might be listening in the dark before dawn, “Please.”